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Sunday, January 23, 2011

Fear Fret Freedom

were on my brain today. Levi is a doing a series called Viva La Corinth.  He's talking about the original sin city and how the church there fell prey to power, control, etc etc etc. It's been pretty interesting.  Today he was talking about how the people were arguing over who they were following. Some followed Paul, some Peter, some Christ, some Apollos.  Paul's point was that our salvation is through no man but only through Christ.  Levi's point was that their identity was wrapped up in other people, not Jesus Christ.  He challenged us to think about what our identity is in.  It really got my attention.  I've got to confess, I feel like I just get numb sometimes.  Nothing makes me super happy, nothing makes me super sad.....I kind of feel like there might be a mental condition associated with those symptoms...uh oh!   I do think my identity is wrapped up in the wrong things.  Okay so here goes more confession.  I care what people think. I try to say I don't and to an extent it's true, there are some things that I could care less what people think about but there are some things I care a great deal what others think.  If it happens to be something that I do care about, man I worry if someone is upset and I get kind of paranoid about thinking I did something to upset them. This sounds so silly even typing. I dwell on it and I make it a HUGE deal in my mind.  I have a hard time letting go.  I worry about things that 1. I have no control over and 2 shouldn't care a thing about. I realize I am pretty critical of others for no reason.  In my head, I think that if I do that, it lifts me up which is not the right attitude at all...I told you it was confession time.   I want to be the crowd favorite and the people pleaser. Sometimes I don't say what I really think or stand up for myself (not so much with my good friends but in group situations or when I feel insecure about my standings in a group).  I'll go with the flow or give a watered down version of what I think instead of standing firm and being bold in what I think.  I wish I could give a more specific example but I can't...don't ever want to incriminate;)  Anyway, in doing this, I get wrapped up in things that don't matter.  It wastes a lot of time and energy and brain power and I really need all of those things.  So, there you have it, that's my honesty for the day.  That's kind of where I am.  The freedom is because I don't want to be that way, I want to be okay with me and who I am without comparing myself to anyone or anyone's perception of what I should be, do, say, etc.  I guess all of that comes with spiritual maturity and growing in the Word.  Pruning is good, it hurts but the final product is well worth it.

Have a great week!


Unknown said...

You are not alone in all the areas you covered. I and I am sure many who read this could say we need help in the same areas. Thanks for your honesty.

April said...

It sounds to me like you are really worried about being loved for who you are. So you worry about "doing or saying the right thing" to make sure other people like you.

The question is: Do you worry that you'll do or say the wrong thing and God won't love you? Or do you relax and open yourself up to His love, no matter what?

I ask because love is unconditional, especially His love. I can't speak for everyone else, but I love you too - no matter what you say or do, if you're on time, or if you forget what you were saying mid-sentence. Your "faults" are all pieces of you, and we love them too.