So, I have some really irrational fears. I'm afraid I'm going to die young. I want to be to the point where I'm okay to die but I'm not. It terrifies me. That being said, this past week, I read two very interesting news articles. Both were about women who have brain tumors and are dying. One is choosing to use assisted suicide to end her suffering. The other is dying and is embracing the journey of death. Both stories are heartbreaking.
I was talking to a friend tonight about wanting to know the who, what, when, where, and why of the future. I have a hard time living in the moment and enjoying the journey. Her advice was to enjoy the moment and that God will reveal His plan and purpose in His time. What a sweet reminder for me.
As I read the stories of two young moms who are quickly approaching the end of their lives, I am convicted. I want to live in the moment and embrace life. Life goes by so quickly. I don't want to waste it worrying or living in fear.
Monday, October 13, 2014
Saturday, October 4, 2014
So the morning after thoughts....
In light of my post yesterday...I have to post today. This morning I was able to sleep in. I was able to peruse pinterest until I found the perfect method for making a wreath. I went to our storage shed and got all of my Fall and Halloween decorations. I leisurely decorated for fall and then created a Fall wreath to hang on my door which then turned into a centerpiece because I found a fall wreath in my decorations. I spruced up said fall wreath. I forgot how much I enjoy crafting and creating. It was rejuvenating to be able to do that without rushing or hurrying. The kids and I cleaned up around the house while Levi was in town running errands. I did laundry then organized my linen closet which was a wreck since we moved in. I got to do little things that I needed to be done. I spent a chunk of time on the phone with a friend and with my mother in law which was so nice.
I'm thankful for my Saturdays that are low key and relaxing. I have to say that our Saturdays before were spent filled up with other people's events and our events and we had lots of fun. But, they weren't very relaxing for the most part...fun, but not relaxing. I've enjoyed that change immensely.
I'm thankful for my Saturdays that are low key and relaxing. I have to say that our Saturdays before were spent filled up with other people's events and our events and we had lots of fun. But, they weren't very relaxing for the most part...fun, but not relaxing. I've enjoyed that change immensely.
Friday, October 3, 2014
Thoughts Rolling Around In My Head
I’m not sure how I feel
about life right now. Things are
good. My marriage is great. If I’m honest, that ebbs and flows and I’m
very thankful when it’s good. My kids
are doing great. They’re both so well
adjusted to a new school and new friends.
My job is great. Life is
good. Something just isn’t clicking for
me in the midst of the good. I was
talking to a friend the other day about her journey and I was telling her that
emotionally, I don’t think I was ready for the transition that we made leaving Texas
for Florida. Levi was, he had made peace
with that. For me, not so much. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to leave my friends. I wasn’t ready to start over. I wasn’t ready to not be a pastor’s wife at
Catalyst (pretty sure I don’t want to be a pastor’s wife anywhere else at this point). I took that role very seriously in terms of
being so connected with not just our church people but also our neighbors and
our community. I went from being very
comfortable where I was and what I was doing to being very uncomfortable in a
completely new environment where I haven’t quite figured out where I fit
in. It’s been a lot for me to process and
try to understand. I’m so happy for
Catalyst and I’m so thankful that they’ve found a new pastor and that things will
move along for them. That thrills my
heart. At the same time, I’m so sad that
the new pastor’s wife gets to enjoy all my people and relationships. I hope she’s up for the challenge, she is a
lucky lady.
I’m also reminded that when we first moved to Rowlett, it wasn’t
rainbows and cupcakes. It was hard and
it was awful for a while, a long while.
I have a friend on facebook who started Truthful Tuesdays in an effort
to be vulnerable and share burdens and just live authentically (in the social
media sense). I feel like I had that
down where we were. I felt like I could share with my friends my struggles and
faults. I’ve tried to remember to share
publicly my Truthful Tuesdays and I love reading from the other ladies who are
posting.
It reminds me that I’m not alone, that I’m okay being not
okay, that when I share authentically-I’m not asking for a fix or advice, just
to be heard; that sometimes being honest is hard especially when I’m being
honest with me, that parenting sucks sometimes, that my marriage isn’t perfect,
that I’m a jerk sometimes, that life is wonderful, that I’m blessed beyond
measure.
This life is a journey and a process and I know who walks
with me. I know that God has His eyes on
me and that HE goes before and behind and between. I’m thankful that I can look back and see His
goodness and graciousness and provision in my life.
In the midst of “not being ready” for what life had for me,
I knew that moving was what needed to happen.
My husband is healthier and less stressed. His happiness had to trump mine…I don’t mean
that I’m not happy. I live 5 minutes from the most amazing parents in the
world. My kids can ride a bike, lawn
mower, or walk to my parent’s house and hang out with them whenever they want. I live near my sister and niece and extended
family. That has been my desire for the
last 14 years. I’m happyJ My point is that sometimes when we follow God
and where He is leading, it’s not rosy and that’s okay. I know that God has plans for us here. I’m
excited to see how He will use Levi and
his experience as a church planter. I’m
excited to see how He will use me. I
miss singing so badly, I can’t wait to plug in and use that gift. I know that God is faithful. I have to remember His ways are higher than
mine and relinquish that control. I’m
trying to enjoy the journey and find the value in the process of it all.
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