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Thursday, October 28, 2010

Diarrhea of the Brain your attention.  I'm sitting here tonight listening to the song set for Sunday.  We are doing a baptism. It's a first for us.  My kids walked into the church the other day and ran out and said, "Mommy, there's a bathtub in the church."  I am really excited about this step for a couple of our friends.

I'm using Levi's laptop and he had the set list playing so when I turned it on it just automatically started.  I also opened my email to catch up.  I've been running like a chicken with her head cut off this week.  I fly out tomorrow and I'm not packed.  I need to finish and send lesson plans for the next couple of weeks and do report cards.  It feels like a lot.

I sat down feeling discouraged, feeling like I always have to be up, feeling like I have to hold it together for me and for my family.  I'm feeling like life's not fair and that people are not true to their word.  I'm feeling helpless and clueless to help others that are close to me.  I feel unsteady.  I feel like I'm suffocating and that I can't keep up emotionally, mentally, or physically.

And then my Grandma died.

And then I feel the brevity of life.  I feel sad for my mom that she has to say goodbye to her mom. I dread that moment in my life. I'm feeling the sting of death and the grief and mourning that goes along with that.  I feel scared of cancer.  It sucks that my great grandmother, grandfather, and grandmother have all died from it.  It will be weird not to see my Grandma.  It's just weird.

That's what I'm feeling right now.  So I sit down and start opening emails.  I get one from Pam:)  She is telling me that our church friends are bringing food for Levi and the kids while I'm gone.  I get another from a friend in our small group offering to bring dinner.  I get another from a friend who offers to watch our kids while I'm gone. I think about the texts and phone calls and emails and cards I've gotten this week letting me know that I'm loved and being prayed for.  I'm listening to this song....and the tears flow. (it's a long song).  But seriously, every line hit a nerve for me.  So this moment of self pity turned into a moment of self reflection and gratitude in the midst of a crappy point in life.  This song is by Mike Crawford.  Google it to listen to the song, it is powerful!!  I realized that His words are the words that I build my life upon and I do want them to be mine.
Words To Build A Life On
Lyrics by Mike Crawford
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words
how can they be mine
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words
I want them to be mine

Blessed are the poor
Blessed are the weak
Blessed are the ones
Who can barely speak
Blessed in your hurt
Blessed in your pain
Blessed when your teardrops
Are falling down like rain
Blessed when you’re broken
Blessed when you’re blind
Blessed when you’re fragile
When you have lost your mind
Blessed when you’re desperate
Blessed when you’re scared
Blessed when you’re lonely
Blessed when you’ve failed
Blessed when you’re beat up
Blessed when you’re bruised
Blessed when you’re tore down
Blessed when you’re used

These are words to build a life on
These are Your words
how can they be mine
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words
I want them to be mine

Blessed when you’re heartbroke
Blessed when you’re fired
Blessed when you’re choked up
Blessed when you’re tired
Blessed when the plans
That you so carefully laid
End up in the junkyard
With all the trash you made
Blessed when you feel like
Giving up the ghost
Blessed when your loved ones
Are the ones who hurt you most
Blessed when you lose your
Own identity
Then blessed when you find it
And it has been redeemed
Blessed when you see what
Your friends can never be
Blessed with your eyes closed
Then blessed you see Me

These are words to build a life on
These are Your words
how can they be mine
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words
I want them to be mine

Blessed when you’re hungry
Blessed when you thirst
Cause that’s when you will eat of
The bread that matters most
Blessed when you’re put down
Because of me you’re dissed
Because of me you’re kicked out
They take you off their list
You know you’re on the mark
You know you’ve got it right
You are to be my salt
You are to be my light
So bring out all the flavor
In the feast of this My world
And light up all the colors
Let the banner be unfurled
Shout it from the rooftops
Let the trumpets ring
Sing your freaking lungs out
Jesus Christ is King!
Jesus is my Savior
Jesus is divine
Jesus is my answer
Jesus is my life

These are words to build a life on
These are Your words
how can they be mine
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words
I want them to be mine

Give us ears that we may hear them
voice that we may sing them
life that we may live them
hope that we may give them
hearts that we can feel them
eyes that we can see them
thoughts that we may think them
tongues that we may speak Your words

Monday, October 25, 2010


Today GiGi went to be with Jesus.  That is weird to even write.  It's such a strange feeling. We knew this day was coming and we knew she was sick and she's lived a long life but man it's been a difficult day.  I've got so many emotions, it's very odd.  I've worried about telling A all day.  She's got such a tender, sensitive heart.  I love that girl. I've also hurt so much for my mom through this.  She's took family medical leave act to take care of GiGi.  She would do (and did do) anything for her mom.  She sat by her bedside this morning as she took her last breath.  She was up all night and I know she is absolutely worn out today.  I can hear it in her voice.  I wish I could be there with her. I think that's the part that sucks the most about being here, I'm so far from them.  I hate that part.  Please pray for my family this week.  We will all travel to the funeral. It will be great to be together. I haven't seen most of these family members in 4 years or so.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

First Field Trip

Today was a bit bittersweet.  A had her first field trip today to the pumpkin patch. I was totally bummed that I couldn't go.  However, I sent Levi to go with her.  I walked in this afternoon and she was asleep.  It wore her out!!  I walked in and talked to her and I said, "Did Daddy get there on time?  Did you have fun? Did he have fun?  Did he have to fuss at any other kids?"  She looked at me and said, "Yeah, he got there and time and he was even in my group."  I had to hold back my giggling.  She is so sweet and innocent and funny without meaning to be.  Tonight, Levi worked late since he blew part of his day at the field trip. And he has a root canal tomorrow...not a great way to end your week but that's another story.  Anyway, I took the kids to Chuck E. Cheese...we never do that but I had a coupon. I had so much fun with them.  Chuck E. came out and we did the Cupid Shuffle and got free tickets.  I guess that's a new thing they do there now.  I had a good time just playing with them.  I am one lucky mama!!!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

So much to say or not to say

This week I have felt like blogging but haven't....I've either run out of time or been exhausted.  It seems like I've had more time than normal to think.  I'm trying to be more consistent with my exercise too. I was doing so well and then kind of fell off the wagon after the first 5K. The second 5K is in November so I have to be ready for that.  I usually give myself about 30 minutes to run/jog/walk.  Last night, we had band practice at the Sprangs house.  They live 2.9 miles away. So, if I ran there, I'd have to run the whole distance.  I did it and it took me about 40 minutes.  I'm okay with that. I was just glad I finished it.

Anyway, I've thought a lot in the last couple of days.  The last week has been kind of weird.  I don't know if I would say I've struggled but I've definitely been contemplating some things.  One of those things is the idea of religiosity.  I think we can know how to live and we can know lots about God and the Bible, etc but that doesn't make us "good" Christ followers. I think we can get emotional and say the right things and even seem passionate about all of this.  The problem is that if you're not loving others and you're not influencing others, what difference does all of that knowledge and passion make?  I get aggravated at hearing people who are good hearted and well meaning but are just that.  They don't have relationships with anyone not in their "Christian" bubble or realm of influence.  They aren't building relationships with neighbors or community members or with anyone that isn't like them.  I know that might sound harsh, I don't mean it harsh I just want to always remember that for myself.  I want to constantly be seeking out people that are hungry, or thirsty, or have a need that I can fill.  I don't even necessarily mean hungry for food....maybe it's hungry for a friend or a listening ear. Hopefully that makes sense.  I think sometimes we sit in church or hear teaching or even read it in the Bible about going into the world and clothing the naked, feeding the hungry, etc etc. and it doesn't change us. We're so used to hearing it that it is just another good message but we don't put action behind it.  I want to remember that.

When we moved here, we knew NOONE!!  I had no friends.  My kids had no friends.  Levi and I were so lonely.  We had to do something.  I found a meetup group and that became my sanity.  I am still great friends with some of those women.  I realized at that point how important loving people is.  I love others because God loves me.  I want others to know why I love.  I truly had a need for people and relationships and I think that's why I had to reach out of my comfort zone.

Okay so that's all I got....hopefully you can hear my heart. I'm not trying to be judgmental or preachy or anything like that. It was just on my mind...maybe more so for myself than others;)

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Image Issues

Okay so I had an epiphany in church this morning. I was in the second service and mind you this was the second service and I was paying attention but zoned out for a few seconds and had a thought. I immediately wanted to blog it and seriously thought about doing so on my phone...unrealistic for me right??!! YES!!  So, I was thinking about body image.  Honestly, it doesn't consume me but I struggle with my weight. I want to eat what I want without thinking, counting, exercising, etc...kind of like the undisciplined if you can't tell.  That doesn't work for me.  About a week and a half ago, Levi and I started counting points (weight watchers system).  It seems to be the most balanced and easiest for us. I did great this week at writing it all down (in my phone) and really making good choices.  And even when I did make an alternative choice (not bad), I had the points. I exercised 3 times...need to do 5 but whatever!  So, I guess it's been on my brain more.  Now, let me also say, I'm happy with me. I don't look in the mirror and gag at myself.  I see a little more than I'd like in there.  I want to be healthy and I want that to be motivation, not the size of my clothes or the lbs on the scale.  Which brings me to this morning.  I was thinking about a friend who is a little overweight.   I was thinking about her comparing herself to others and then I thought, "when I look at her, I don't think about her weight.  It doesn't cross my mind."  And  I thought about it. I love her so when I look at her, her outward appearance doesn't phase me. I don't even think about it.  I love her because she's her.  She's funny, caring, compassionate, moody (takes one to know one), etc.  And then I got to thinking about God's love for me.  I sometimes put myself down or lessen my value (not about weight but about other things in my life).  God doesn't see that. He loves me for me.  He doesn't look at me and think about my shortcomings or struggles.  I love that!!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Wow...I'm back

Oh my much to say.  We are back from Disney.  We had a fabulous time.  I am still pooped.  We kept saying, "There's tired and there's Disney tired."  We are recovering.  I tried to blog once at Disney and it didn't work. I emailed myself so I wouldn't forget. Here it is.

So tonight Levi went to Disney quest. April and Steve took Addy with them to Disney. Keegan and I were chilling at resort. We walked over to get a coke and cookie.  The cashier gave him a balloon with a princess and the frog book. On the way back to the room, Keegan looked up and said,"I'm going to give this to Addy because I want her to be super happy." How sweet!! I love that boy.

Keegan got pretty sick while we were there.  Levi took him to the ER and has a great story to tell.  Poor kid got a shot and a few breathing treatments. It was pretty stressful.  I got to see my grandmother too.  We drove down at the beginning of our trip.  It was great to see her.  We got to spend a couple of days with my parents and sister, bro, and niece too.  It was great. I miss my family so much.  They're awesome.

We got to do a lot of fun stuff.  We saw so many characters. I loved seeing my kids react and enjoy. 

It was great being with the Wilson family too.  What a blessing for us.  Definitely made GREAT memories!!