Desert VS Dessert

So tonight we're sitting in small group listening to the story of one of the couples.  As they shared, they were saying that they felt like the Israelites who were wandering through the desert and they were afraid they may even be the generation that didn't make it into the Promised Land. So much of what they said resonated with our story. What I'm learning is to be patient and to listen and learn in those desert times. I know that God has been faithful to us. Just like the Israelites, I can look back and see how He gives us just what we need at just the right time, the manna in the desert. I'm not loving the desert times of life but I know they're part of the journey. I see God's hand working in our lives and I love that!! I'm trying to focus on that. Love the dessert times but know the desert times are equally as valuable for me!!

Random Side Note

So...I got a lot of feedback from my post the other day-mainly from pastor's wives. And for a moment, I'm focusing on Senior Pastors, Lead Pastors, the big boss. I know staff wives have their own challenges but it's different when the buck stops with your man.

 Being a pastor's wife is really hard.  It's tough balancing your husband as the leader of your house and hearing about the status of the church.  It's tough with the schedule that not only he keeps but if you're like we were, the whole family keeps.  Our family really pastored as a family unit.  The kids went with us a lot of times (if it was appropriate) to do ministry.  We got invited to a lot of social events (which I LOVED).  Our schedule was crazy....I did love it actually.   I got a lot of phone calls and texts to pray and counsel or just to listen...not as much as Levi but still.  He probably had better answers too:)

Emotionally it's also tough. I will say that our church was incredible and very healthy and we didn't experience the emotional turmoil and I will just say it, abuse, that a lot of pastors face.  We did experience the pain, hurt, and grief right alongside our people and that's hard to handle sometimes.  It's just weird.  You know a lot about people and a lot of it is fabulous but a lot of it is hard. It's ugly at times and dirty and wrong and yet you love these people.  We cultivated a culture of authenticity and a safe place where our people could be honest about their hurts, habits, and struggles.

Balancing raising kids and knowing people are watching your parenting is tricky.  That glass house thing sucks.  Parenting is hard enough being able to do it in the privacy of your own home.  Kids happen to have their own personalities and thoughts and sometimes, they're not those perfect, little angels that pastor's kids are supposed to be...sense the sarcasm please.

Loving your pastor (who also happens to be your hubby) after you've had a big fight about something stupid or after you or he has said something hurtful and then you watch him spread the Good News at church, it's enough to make you go crazy.  Trying not to feel like a hypocrite or that he is one...is tough.  I'm keeping it real people. I hope this isn't just me that felt that way at times and I adore Levi for the record.  Marriage is tough anyway, add that element and see how much fun that is!

Worrying about your personal finances along with the financial status of the church is stressful.

This church thing consumes your husband.  You see him answer the phone and immediately wonder what's going on.  Praying that it's a good phone call.  You see his emotion, his stress, his joy.  You have conversations on your date night about things that could help the church, help a certain family, help the kid's department.  You get your feelings hurt when people are ugly or hurtful or act like they know how to run a church better than your man.  You act like your feelings are not hurt.

You try to figure out who your friends are...who can you trust, confide in?  You don't want to heap it on your husband, he has enough to deal with.  

Your husband has given his life.  You have given your life, your family's life to this body of people who aren't always the nicest, most Christlike human beings.

You're not perfect and it's okay.  It's okay if you don't have your hands in every area of ministry at your church...even now, those are hard words to type.  I'm a bit of a perfectionist, control freak.  You don't even have to sing or play the piano.  You don't have to like everyone at your church.  You're human.  Let yourself be!

I really can't complain about the people at Catalyst.  Man, we were blessed with fabulous people but I heard lots of horror stories and my heart breaks for pastor's wives.  If you're a pastor's wife and you don't have anyone to talk to that understands, message me, call me.  I know you need support.

We're in HOT Water

So, one of our big gripes about our house was our hot water heater and how we didn't have enough hot water.  We had to strategically plan our Sunday mornings so we could all get showered and out of the house on time. I couldn't run the dishwasher and shower at the same time for fear of no hot water,etc...you feel my pain? Right?!!  So, we went on like this for 6 months.  It wasn't awful, it was just a little inconvenient.  Well, after Christmas, the breaker was getting flipped by the hot water heater and we were sure we were going to have to replace the whole thing because, let's face it, it was not working at full potential....or so we thought.  Thankfully, my husband is frugal enough to do some research before replacing the whole heater.  He found out that we could by a new heating element for $30 and if that solved it great, if not, then a new hot water heater was in the future. Thankfully, with the long distance help of Don, Levi installed the new heating element and it worked.  We had hot water and I mean HOT water.  So hot that it's almost too hot and I love hot showers and baths.  We forgot how nice it was to have unlimited (almost) hot water.  We had gotten okay with the way it was.

So, that got me thinking....how often do we as Christians or even just as people, go along with things being just okay?  How often do we just coast along because things aren't awful?  How long do we fail to cultivate an active spiritual life with Christ because we're doing pretty good on our own and there's no present crisis?  How long do we avoid difficult, confrontational conversations with our spouse because we know that if we go there, there could be a major fallout even though the end product could be a much healthier relationship?   How long do we turn a blind eye to a negative behavior of our child because if we actually acknowledge it, we actually have to parent and deal with it?

I wonder if we actually:

• got in the Word of God on a daily basis and made that and our prayer time just as important as other time sucking behaviors (I'll let you fill in your time suck of choice- mine was Facebook),  if we would find that our minds, hearts, and souls were refreshed and renewed.  I think we would yearn for that time and we would see our lives change in such a positive way.
• talked about the "elephants" in the closet with our spouse/significant other before they turned into the huge issues that we create them to be, if we wouldn't find the intimacy that our hearts long for with our spouse and a more joyful home.
• tuned into our kids and got to the heart of their behaviors and dealt with them consistently and compassionately if we wouldn't see them develop into the responsible, kind, and caring people we know they were created to be.  I think we would also have a lot more fun!

I don't know but I think it's worth a shot.  I know that for me, it's easy to get into a rut...even if it's a good, well meaning rut, it's still a rut.  I get focused on doing all the right things and following all the right rules and I lose sight of the meaning and purpose of what I'm really hear for.   I've got to get back to being intentional about my time in devotions, my time with my husband, my time with my kids.  It goes by so fast.  I don't want to just coast...I want to soar.  I want to make a difference and I want to be effective in all I do, not just complacent about it.

Things are Looking Up

So this week, things are looking up.  We decided in December that we were going to agree and choose a church and just try to plug in.  No church that we have tried is perfect and we don't all 4 love everything that we've experienced.  However, we decided to just choose one and go for it.  We decided that we were going to join a small group.  We went to the kick off this week and sat in a group with about 5 other couples.  Out of those couples, 3 of us just moved within the last couple of years.  In fact, one of the other couples just moved this summer like we did.  The wife is a teacher, in our city.  How crazy.  I just couldn't help but feel like this was confirmation that these new friends would understand, empathize, and support us during the next year.  I'm excited to connect and build a community of friends here. Yeah!!

I also this last week saw a counselor. Our session was valuable.  Basically, she validated that I'm stressed and how stress can affect every area of life.  We also dealt with some self esteem issues and how I see others as more important than myself.  It was interesting to put some words to feelings that I've felt.  The counselor likened some of this to our relationship with Christ.  She said that people who have a healthy self image freely accept the grace and love that God offers.  People who struggle with self image feel like they have to work and earn God's love, grace, and mercy.  It was an enlightening time of self reflection.  I've seen counselors before and I didn't feel a great connection and there were times that were just plain awkward.  I may not go back to this particular counselor but I am going to go back.  I really enjoyed digging in and thinking about why I act/react to certain triggers.  I forgot how therapeutic talking to a counselor is. I also realized that I didn't really need that for myself when we were in Rowlett. I had these great girlfriends who really got me and helped me without paying for it. I probably owe them lots of copays....So, on the way home, I called my friend and told her about my experience.

That got me thinking....

I've been really blessed to have these fabulous girlfriends for the majority of my life.

 In college, I found my YoYo's and these girls have grown with me through marriage and motherhood, we've shared lots of really happy times and some really sad times as well.  They were my first roommates and we saw each other at our best and worst. We are all so different but those ladies have helped form  and shape me.

I was blessed to have some fabulous women in churches that we've gone to as well.  I'm thankful for their leadership and mentoring.  Our small group in North Carolina was amazing and I love those women and am so thankful for their influence on me as a young mother.  They definitely stepped in when we had Addy and were so helpful.  I learned a lot about cooking, canning, mothering, and how valuable friendship with women in other stages of life is.

As we moved to Texas, I was so terribly lonely as a young mom now of 2 babies.  I joined a meetup group online.  As I think about that now...I was desperate.  Thankfully, I met some fabulous women and ended up hitting it off with a few of them.  We formed our own little group and during those early years, before the kids turned 4, it was not uncommon to find me among these women and kiddos 2-3 days a week.  That was so life giving to me. We had our own support group.  As my kids reached pre-K years and I worked at their pre-K's 2 days a week, that group changed.  I kept in touch with those women but one in particular who will be a lifelong friend.  I can't imagine my life without her.

Then, through Catalyst, I met lots of other fabulous women.  One who challenged me to get out of my comfort zone for real, we ended up running 2 5K's together, one was the Warrior Dash.  She is so incredibly opposite of me in every way but man I love her.  She taught me so much about loving people, really truly loving them right where they are. There were definitely others as we journeyed our 7 years there.  I gleaned so much from so many different women.  It definitely got harder as I went back to work full time because I felt like my time was pulled in so many different directions. I missed so much impromptu lunches or late night Starbucks.

Although, I'm reflecting on the women, there were also so many great couples we've been able to hang out with. It's much harder as a couple to find that couple that you both really click with.  We found them.  They were the people that when we were all together, we were all mom and dad to each others kids...that sounds weird but everybody took care of everybody.  It wasn't weird, I don't think.  They were the ones we could be really honest with about our relationships in front of our spouse and could offer insight and advice and it was never offensive to the other spouse...again at least it wasn't to me.  

Okay so that got longer than I anticipated.  I'm thankful for all of the relationships that I've had and I look forward to developing those here. I know they will happen because I know we will intentionally live life with others.  That's who we've turned out to be.  I say those awkward things and ask those awkward questions that at times, maybe I shouldn't.  I/we are vulnerable and we share the things that can either get us rejected or cause others to open up and be okay with being vulnerable too.  I long for those deep relationships to develop and unfold. I long for community.  I long for friends who get me.  I have to remember that those things take time.  I guess my encouragement would be for those of you that are content to stay in your bubble....break out.  Your new BFF may be right in front of you.  People need you and you need them.  This life was not meant to live alone, selfishly...yep I said it...selfishly.  Share who you are with others, share your time, your energy, your emotions and if you live life with people long enough, they will drain you and they will take what you give BUT...they will give as well.  Life is sweeter when shared!!

Have a great weekend!!  

SIDENOTE:  As I'm sitting here thinking, more of my fabulous life friends are coming to mind...please don't be offended if I didn't specifically mention our relationship. I am thankful for you for the impact you've had on my life.  I was not trying to highlight people and leave others out...these were the just ones that I mentioned, I could write a book.  I am so grateful for all of you!!!

Happy New Year...only 18 days late

I keep telling myself that I need to blog more frequently, that it's therapeutic for me to get my thoughts out, that I want to update my friends and family about our life.  And then....I do nothing.  I get busy and distracted and I just don't do anything.
So, thus Jan. 18 being my first time blogging since the new year.

So, here are some updates:

Our oldest turned 10 this week.  For some reason, this birthday was quite hard for me.  I can't believe that she has hit that milestone.  She is such an independent, compassionate, and sassy child.  She is a mini me and I cannot deny that at all.  I am so fortunate to have her as a child.  She teaches me every day to enjoy being creative, to dance and sing frequently, to give to others and give people the benefit of the doubt,  and to enjoy being outside.  I am so proud of her and can't wait to see how God uses her to build His kingdom.

This transition continues to be a challenge that I am trying to learn from.  This is such a weird spot to be in.  I know that Levi needed a change and being near my parents was the best case scenario.  I am loving that part of it.  Having my mom come with me to the kids practices, getting to meet my parents for lunch or shopping, having last minute dinners with them, and them watching our kids has been AMAZING.  I'm not sure I could go back to not having that.  That being said, we were so accustomed to our life in Dallas. I had a great job and loved my coworkers, I had my best friends within minutes, I loved our church and the people there.  So, to not have all that greatness, has been really hard.   I feel like a broken record to keep harping on that and I'm ready for things to be easier.  Things are falling into place.  We have found a church and are going to plug into a small group here in the next few weeks.  Once we get settled and in a grove, I'm going to audition to be a vocalist.  I miss leading worship a lot.  The kids are really enjoying the church and I think we all feel good with our decision.  Levi has a more consistent schedule and is enjoying what he's doing.  He is "picking" with great success and finding that fulfilling.  You can read about it here.  I'm not sure if this will be a long term or short term endeavor.  I miss hearing Levi preach and teach.  He is so gifted in that area and I miss hearing him terribly.  Work is good, definitely making more friends there and feeling like I'm fitting in well.

This new year, instead of making resolutions, I thought about things I want to do better.  I hate resolutions because I feel like such a failure when I break them.

I want to be healthier.  I've gained about 15 pounds in the last 6 months, beginning with our move.  We ate out while our house was being fixed.  Then, we had dinner with so many fabulous friends before leaving Dallas.  Then, once we moved, I just wasn't disciplined at all.  I'm still not if I'm completely honest.  I have got to see my weight as a health issue and not as a pride/vanity/I want to be a size 2 issue.  I need to get active and make better food choices.  I'm also trying to drink more water.

I'm also going to focus on my spiritual health as well.  I think we do a disservice telling people, you don't have to read your Bible and pray every day to be a Christ follower, even though that's true.  If we don't do that, we're missing out on knowing who God is and how to live life to the fullest.  It's about a relationship but if I'm not talking to and wanting to know more, it's not a relationship.  It's not about reading and praying for this much time every day, it's about desiring to be in relationship with Christ and then doing what it takes to maintain that relationship.

I want to enjoy life.  This summer, my neighbor and I got tattoos...I know shocking right?!   I've wanted one for a while but wasn't sure I could do it.  Well, I did it,   My tattoo means to embrace life.  I want to do that better as a parent and be less concerned with my kids being perfect, my house being perfect, and more concerned with my kids and my husband being happy and content when they're around me.

I think that about wraps it up.   You are caught up with my life.   Hopefully, I'll blog sooner than later.

TMI

I probably should have called my blog Rants and Raves...maybe just Rants. I realize that I only like to blog when I'm upset about something or sad or bothered....well sometimes I blog happy things. I realize that very few people read my blog.  I feel like it's more of a diary-ish thing that helps me get things off my chest. So here goes.... Sundays are the hardest days of the week. Not all Sundays, they've definitely gotten easier.  Today was a hard one.  It happened to be that I've talked with more of my friends from our previous life today than normal.  And they're hurting.  I hate that. I wish I were there to give them a hug and share a cup of coffee with them. I feel responsible for them in a lot of ways.  That's a the control freak in me and I'm not in denial about that;)

I hate that in the church and in social media we have to act like we have it all together.  We only post the sweet, romantic things that our spouses do. We share and comment about our children like they can do no wrong and like they should be most important to everyone else.  Pastors are super guilty of acting like their relationships are great and their children are perfect. I hate that. I mean I abhor it.  I'm sorry if I ever portrayed our household that way.  We are not, our marriage is not perfect, our kids are not perfect.  My husband and my kids do a lot that make me want to pull my hair out (and vice versa).  I wish we could all just live in a vulnerable manner.  I wish we could go outside without our makeup on and be okay with not being okay.  I wish we could say, "My kid is driving me crazy. I don't know how to stop this or that."  I'm guilty of it myself.  There are lots of people that I can be very vulnerable with and show my true colors and my faults.  And then, there are those people who seem fake to me and try to portray perfection....and my radar goes off and I keep them at arms length because I don't trust their authenticity.  As a pastor's wife, there were lots that I loved and I think that was because how different our people were.  The majority of them lived very authentically with us and I loved that. I loved listening and talking and sharing life with them.  I didn't mind being "bothered" on a Sunday afternoon or any other night of the week to meet up at Starbucks to talk. I felt like it was such a mutual help.  I miss that.

I have to keep reminding myself that the first two or so years in Texas were so hard.  We felt so alone.  We were broke as a joke.  We had to put ourselves out there repeatedly to make friends and relationships.  We did it because we had to have people...not members of our church but people.  We needed friends.  I'm trying to remember that now.  We will establish a community here.  We will have friends to walk through life with.  It'll happen.

And in the meantime, I'm loving my friendship with my mom and sister.  I love sitting on my mom's front porch after school with a glass of iced tea talking about my day while the kids play outside.  I love that I can call her and we can go shopping or share dinner. My kids can take horseback riding lessons from my dad.  They jump on the tractor or in the hay wagon to help feed with Coach. Coach and Nana are at their school performances and soccer games. That was what was so hard about being so far away.  I'm savoring every second of that. See...there was a little happy.

Fear

So, I have some really irrational fears.  I'm afraid I'm going to die young.  I want to be to the point where I'm okay to die but I'm not. It terrifies me.   That being said, this past week, I read two very interesting news articles.  Both were about women who have brain tumors and are dying.  One is choosing to use assisted suicide to end her suffering.  The other is dying and is embracing the journey of death.  Both stories are heartbreaking.
I was talking to a friend tonight about wanting to know the who, what, when, where, and why of the future.  I have a hard time living in the moment and enjoying the journey.  Her advice was to enjoy the moment and that God will reveal His plan and purpose in His time.  What a sweet reminder for me.
As I read the stories of two young moms who are quickly approaching the end of their lives, I am convicted.  I want to live in the moment and embrace life.  Life goes by so quickly. I don't want to waste it worrying or living in fear.

So the morning after thoughts....

In light of my post yesterday...I have to post today.  This morning I was able to sleep in.  I was able to peruse pinterest until I found the perfect method for making a wreath.  I went to our storage shed and got all of my Fall and Halloween decorations.  I leisurely decorated for fall and then created a Fall wreath to hang on my door which then turned into a centerpiece because I found a fall wreath in my decorations. I spruced up said fall wreath.  I forgot how much I enjoy crafting and creating.  It was rejuvenating to be able to do that without rushing or hurrying.  The kids and I cleaned up around the house while Levi was in town running errands.  I did laundry then organized my linen closet which was a wreck since we moved in.  I got to do little things that I needed to be done.  I spent a chunk of time on the phone with a friend and with my mother in law which was so nice.

I'm thankful for my Saturdays that are low key and relaxing.  I have to say that our Saturdays before were spent filled up with other people's events and our events and we had lots of fun.  But, they weren't very relaxing for the most part...fun, but not relaxing.  I've enjoyed that change immensely.

Thoughts Rolling Around In My Head

I’m not sure how I feel  about life right now.  Things are good.  My marriage is great.  If I’m honest, that ebbs and flows and I’m very thankful when it’s good.  My kids are doing great.  They’re both so well adjusted to a new school and new friends.  My job is great.  Life is good.  Something just isn’t clicking for me in the midst of the good.  I was talking to a friend the other day about her journey and I was telling her that emotionally, I don’t think I was ready for the transition that we made leaving Texas for Florida.  Levi was, he had made peace with that.  For me, not so much.  I wasn’t ready.  I wasn’t ready to leave my friends.  I wasn’t ready to start over.  I wasn’t ready to not be a pastor’s wife at Catalyst (pretty sure I don’t want to be a pastor’s wife anywhere else at this point).  I took that role very seriously in terms of being so connected with not just our church people but also our neighbors and our community.  I went from being very comfortable where I was and what I was doing to being very uncomfortable in a completely new environment where I haven’t quite figured out where I fit in.  It’s been a lot for me to process and try to understand.  I’m so happy for Catalyst and I’m so thankful that they’ve found a new pastor and that things will move along for them.  That thrills my heart.  At the same time, I’m so sad that the new pastor’s wife gets to enjoy all my people and relationships.  I hope she’s up for the challenge, she is a lucky lady.

I’m also reminded that when we first moved to Rowlett, it wasn’t rainbows and cupcakes.  It was hard and it was awful for a while, a long while.  I have a friend on facebook who started Truthful Tuesdays in an effort to be vulnerable and share burdens and just live authentically (in the social media sense).  I feel like I had that down where we were. I felt like I could share with my friends my struggles and faults.  I’ve tried to remember to share publicly my Truthful Tuesdays and I love reading from the other ladies who are posting. 

It reminds me that I’m not alone, that I’m okay being not okay, that when I share authentically-I’m not asking for a fix or advice, just to be heard; that sometimes being honest is hard especially when I’m being honest with me, that parenting sucks sometimes, that my marriage isn’t perfect, that I’m a jerk sometimes, that life is wonderful, that I’m blessed beyond measure.

This life is a journey and a process and I know who walks with me.  I know that God has His eyes on me and that HE goes before and behind and between.  I’m thankful that I can look back and see His goodness and graciousness and provision in my life. 

In the midst of “not being ready” for what life had for me, I knew that moving was what needed to happen.  My husband is healthier and less stressed.  His happiness had to trump mine…I don’t mean that I’m not happy. I live 5 minutes from the most amazing parents in the world.  My kids can ride a bike, lawn mower, or walk to my parent’s house and hang out with them whenever they want.  I live near my sister and niece and extended family.  That has been my desire for the last 14 years.  I’m happyJ  My point is that sometimes when we follow God and where He is leading, it’s not rosy and that’s okay.  I know that God has plans for us here. I’m excited to see how He will use Levi  and his experience as a church planter.  I’m excited to see how He will use me.  I miss singing so badly, I can’t wait to plug in and use that gift.  I know that God is faithful.  I have to remember His ways are higher than mine and relinquish that control.  I’m trying to enjoy the journey and find the value in the process of it all.

Church Visiting

DISCLAIMER:  I'm going to be honest. I am not naming "church" names. I do not mean to be offensive or hurt feelings and I'm sure I'm going to be over critical but that is not my intent.  If you know me, you'll understand this.

I don't know any other way to be than real and truthful...I'm going to try really hard not to God talk...that's honestly a HUGE turnoff for me.  Here's the truth, I know God is with us.  I know God has called us.  I know God will never leave us. Those are not thoughts or even doubts for me.  But the reality of it is, even knowing those things, life happens and sometimes it sucks and is not great.  I wish Christians would be more honest because their honesty does not indicate a mistrust or a betrayal of who God is and what's He's done. It's been very refreshing to share honestly, the pain of our move with our Texas family.  We are all still hurting over our transition. Quite frankly, if Levi could have left his position as lead pastor and we could have maintained our life there, that would probably have been choice #1 but that was not a realistic, feasible option.  So, here we are and life is progressing in a total different way.  One huge hurdle is finding a church. What we had at Catalyst was so unique and lovely. It will be hard to find that.  So, that leaves us with visiting churches.  The first week, Levi was here and we tried a church that is a satellite church.  I loved the  music, seriously it was amazing.  Top quality and top notch musicians and vocalists.  However, it's a satellite church which means the pastor is not right there an we watched on video.  The message was quality and great but just felt weird not being able to talk to him.  Then, we missed a week due to vacation.  Then, it was just the kids and I.  We went back to the first church.  They had a live speaker that week and I thought it was good.  The music was killer, again. This church definitely has a cool vibe. Today, we tried a new church. The pastor was not speaking so it was not a normal Sunday. The kids loved their classes.  The music was current but was not as phenomenal by any means as the first church.  I'm not sure how I felt walking away today.  It will be good to go back to see the pastor do the teaching and see a more "normal" week.  It will also be good to go back with Levi. I think we will try a few more churches.  I know I will not get a perfect church and truth be told, Catalyst was/is not a perfect church.  We are going to have to find a church that fits all of us the best.

Change Sucks

I know such language right?  I don't know any other way to say it.  Change just absolutely stinks and I hate it.  So, it's been almost a month since we left Texas.  Levi resigned from Catalyst, our church.  There was nothing wrong...no moral or ethical failures, just needed a change of pace.  That feeling for him had been building for a long time.  The weird part for me is that I could have stayed.  I loved our life, our friends, etc. However, I love my husband more.  We moved to Newberry, Florida into a manufactured home (a pride issue for me).  We live on my parents' 30 acres and when we open our front door, we look out over 25 green acres with beautiful horses.  We have chicken coops behind us and hear the rooster crowing A LOT.  My kids can walk down the dirt road about 1/2 mile and walk into my parents' backyard.  I love that my kids adore my parents and vice versa.  That part is fabulous.  I will never get these moments back with my parents and I am savoring these moments.  I've said this all along, I don't know how my heart can be so happy and so sad at the same time.  It's been almost 4 weeks now.  I've been okay until this last week.  Levi has been gone for a 2 weeks now and won't be home for a few more days.  So, we're out of our routine without him but also with all the change.  The kids and I have been pretty lonely.  We've tried a church and the kids love it but I'm not sure we'll stay there. I think we're going to try a couple of other churches.  So, that's another area that is out of whack for us.  It seems like nothing is settled.  I know that once school starts and we get into a routine and the kids and I make friends, things will get better. I know that in my head but that's not helping right now.

I know that this is what our family should have done and I know it will all be okay.  Just hoping our hearts heal. Sorry for the negativity but wanted to share where I am.

Mowing

-->

Yesterday I mowed the yard. I was doing it as an act of love for Levi. He’s been reffing trying to earn some extra money. I didn’t want him to have to come home after reffing in the hot Texas sun for 6 hours to mowing the yard and the neighbor’s yard. Another story in itself…anyway. As I was mowing, I kept thinking the mower wasn’t cutting the grass short enough. At one point, I reached down with one hand to move a lever which didn’t move so I just kept mowing knowing something wasn’t quite right. I mean, it was cutting the tall pieces of grass but it didn’t feel like it was short enough. When Levi got home, he was very appreciative that the grass was mowed. I told him that I thought something wasn’t right. He had mowed our neighbor’s backyard a week ago and her grass was really high. He put the blades up and didn’t lower them. It made perfect sense.
I can see a spiritual correlation here for myself. I work hard, I try to do the right things but come up feeling like something's not exactly right. I try to tweak something but it's still not right. I don't want to live that way. I want to live fully engaged with all blades going. Sometimes I feel that way and I've realized it's a phase and kind of cyclical. I feel that way when I'm tired I've struggled this last week with reading my Bible. I can really tell a difference in my actions, reactions, and compassion for others when I don't stay connected, not just in reading but also in praying too. I'm going to make an effort this week to be more consistent. We've got a lot going on this week and I'm already tired....I know the week hasn't started.

HELLO!!!

Well this new job thing is definitely cramping my style.  We are now almost to December.  So, what I'm on a monthly blog entry schedule?!!  I realize that I want to blog when I'm aggravated and usually my aggravation comes from FB. How stupid is that??  I've really considered ditching fb for a while.  I just haven't had the guts to do it yet. I don't to be even more disconnected with my friends.  Lame, I know!!  I'm trying to figure out how to be able to see my groups, events, and messages without looking at all the status updates...those are what get me.  I've started a Beth Moore Bible Study on Daniel with my Life Transformation Group.  We're only a couple of weeks in but I'm really enjoying what we've done so far.  In the study, Moore talks about us relating to the Babylon culture in Biblical times and how we are conforming to society's norms and pressures and trying to live up to that.  And how the surface and outward appearance and how we're perceived is what is most important.  She also challenges us to fast something during part of the study as a way to focus ourselves and remind ourselves to stay true to Christ in the midst of living in a Babylonian culture.  Facebook was the first thing that popped into my head. I haven't decided but I need to. Since I've been working, I haven't been on FB nearly as much and it's actually really nice and refreshing but this week off, I've been on a lot...it's just annoying to me.  It's like a train wreck though, I can't look away;)  How's that for mindless blogging about something with very little significance or meat???

Pain Relaxers

So....I've been having pain in my back since I began working.  I blamed it on stress.  Well, this morning, it moved to my neck and was pretty bad. Levi made me a last minute appointment with our doctor.  He couldn't even "adjust" my neck because it was so tender.  I did get some good meds that have got me pretty loopy and saying some crazy stuff.  I called them pain relaxers....and I guess in part, that's true.  I am thankful tomorrow is Friday. It has been a long week and I am ready for the weekend!!

Excuses, Life Change, & Sucky Times

I've had some thoughts brewing in my head and I'm not sure how to even get them out or if this will make any sense but here goes.

So, this past month and a half has been a bit of a transition for our family with me going back to work full time.  I don't want to make any stay at home moms mad but being a stay at home mom was cake FOR ME in comparison to working full time and still being a mom and having all of the mommy responsibilities (kids' schedules, my schedule, hubs' schedule, laundry, etc).  I am so blessed I got to stay home for the 7 1/2 years that I did.  I treasured those days but my hat is off to you moms who work and Mom at the same time.   I do have to give props to my husband who has been killer at helping around the house and adding a lot more "home" responsibility to his plate too.

With that said, one of the things I grieved (maybe over dramatic) about going back to work was my time with my friends and keeping up with them during the week. I so miss that now.  I really worried about staying connected.  My friend, Shelley, told me a few months ago, "You and the other friends will have to be very intentional about that.  You can't be responsible for both sides."  I really appreciated that and I'm learning that it's very true.  At the same time, I do miss being on facebook and meeting up for lunch.  I really enjoyed those things. I've dropped the ball a bit with connecting with some friends and others I've tried to connect and felt like I've hit a brick wall.  It's such a tight rope walk for me some times.  I'm trying to give myself a break and listen to Shelley's words and let others respond or not and not take it personally either way.  Life changes and things change and that's okay, it really is.  I'm trying not to be too hard on others and give grace, that's hard for me at times.

This past year has been filled with challenges and in some respects we survived some really hard times.  I've been thinking alot about Galations 6:2, Help carry each other's burdens. In this way you will follow Christ's teachings.  I've definitely felt like I've had friends who have helped do this for us and they did it so well.  They came along side when we needed them most and loved us and carried our burdens with us.  I'm so thankful for that.  I also felt like we had some opportunities to do that with others and it's such a sweet bond that is formed when you do that (on either side).  I'm realizing that if I stay in my little safe bubble where no one knows what is really going on with me and I act like everything is fine, I miss out on so many authentic life experiences and relationships.  If I stay comfortable and safe and with my "church" friends, I miss out on what God has called me to.  Busy-ness is no excuse....we were never promised easy or clean or drama free living.  And I'm thankful. I pray that God would continue to call me out into relational living and out of my bubble. 

This last month or so has been hard in regards to scheduling and being tired but it hit me today that I have to be intentional about my relationships and staying connected, I have to carry the burdens of others when life sucks, and I don't want to make excuses as to why I can't do and be who God has called me to be and the things He has called me to do. 

Random Thankful Thoughts

I'm sitting in a quiet house tonight just reflecting on my life....I have a lot to be thankful for. I love it when all of those thankful thoughts hit me during the same day.  I feel very lucky.

I love that my husband will do small tasks that mean a HUGE amount to me, like vacuuming and picking up the kitchen.

I love coming home and seeing a well manicured lawn.  He's so good at that and I'm thankful for the extra energy that he puts into it.

I love having my friend cut my hair.  She and her husband mean more to us than they will ever know, we try to tell them:)

I love meeting friends and shopping and feeling like part of their family when mine is so far away.  I love when they treat my kids like their own "grands."

I love that our neighbors who are teenagers will come hang out at our house and play with our kids.

I love that our neighbors will add a forgotten grocery item to their late night shopping list and deliver it. 

I love that our neighbors who are teenagers will ask us to borrow random food to make a dish they are craving, even when their parents tell them not to "bother" us.

I love that my kids love to sing and dance and don't care who is watching.  They love to roll the windows down and turn the music up.

More than ever before, I'm trying to savor the thankful moments that I have.  I'm reminded that time is fleeting and precious and I want to enjoy these moments.  I want to have an attitude of gratitude (cliche as it sounds). 

Labor Day Holiday- Not for Everyone

Happy Labor Day to you all, well maybe not all of us.  In Ghana, there are around 7,000 children working in the fishing industry. Most of you know that our former neighbors began a non profit organization called Mercy Project.  Levi actually traveled to Ghana 2 summers ago to work alongside that organization.  http://levilowry.com/2010/08/ghana-part-1.html You can read some of his story there.  We are very fond of these folks and try to do whatever we can to help.  Please read my post today in it's entirety. Lots of Mommy bloggers are joining forces today to get the word out about Mercy Project and these precious children.

There’s an estimated 7,000 children who work in the Ghana fishing industry. Some of
these children are as young as 5 and 6 years old.  All of these children are slaves.

–Mercy Project

Today many in our country will take a day off from our jobs to celebrate the social and economic achievements of American workers.  No matter if we’re celebrating at home or at the beach, we’re entering into a tradition that has largely been shaped by Labor Unions - organizations that are dedicated to protecting workers’ interests and improving their wages, hours, and working conditions.  Today as we lounge around or hang out with friends and family, we’re not only celebrating hard work, we’re honoring fair, ethical working practices and the laws that prevent discrimination, abuse, and child labor in our country.  Without these laws in place (and enforced), the most vulnerable members of society suffer.  Who are the most vulnerable? Children. 

Today as we’re celebrating the systems in our own country that strive to prevent injustices like child trafficking and child labor, we’re mindful of the many child slaves around the world who are unprotected and the organizations, like Mercy Project, who are working to free them.

As a mother, it’s difficult for me to imagine my children working 14 hours a day, 7 days a week.  I’m unable to wrap my brain around the thought of my children engaged in long, hard days of physical labor, eating one meal a day, and then falling asleep at night on a dirt floor filled with other slave children.  Yet this is the daily reality for kids who have been trafficked into the fishing industry in Ghana, Africa.  As with much of Africa, there is a great deal of poverty in Ghana. Unfortunately, this leaves many mothers in an unimaginable position: sell their children to someone who can take better care of them or watch them starve to death. Most of the mothers are told their children will be given food, housing, and an education. Instead, the kids are often taken to Lake Volta where they become child slaves and their mothers never see them again.  Thankfully, Mercy Project is working to break the cycles of trafficking around Lake Volta by providing alternate, more efficient, sustainable, fishing methods for villagers – ultimately eliminating the need for child slaves.  Because of the work Mercy Project is doing in Ghana, the first group of children will be freed this month from Lake Volta.

VIDEO

We invite you to watch this moving, 10 minute documentary about the issues surrounding child labor and trafficking in Ghana and most importantly the hope Mercy Project is bringing to children and entire communities in Africa.  Mercy Project is the only NGO working on Lake Volta addressing the injustice of child labor and child trafficking at its root - by strengthening the Ghanaian economy and eliminating the structures that cause the demand for trafficked children.

Whether these ideas of child labor, child trafficking, and modern-day slavery are new to you or you’re aware of these injustices, but need to hear some good news every once in awhile, we invite you to become a part of what Mercy Project is doing in Ghana.  When Mercy Project frees their first group of children this month, we can all celebrate together.

Please check out Mercy Project. 

Mercy Project’s Facebook Page - https://www.facebook.com/mercyproject

Mercy Project on Twitter - https://twitter.com/mercyproject

Mercy Project’s Website: http://mercyproject.net/