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Friday, June 6, 2008

Rough Week

It has been a really rough week for me. I've felt a plethora of emotions this week and not very many of them have been pleasant. I realized how terrified and scared I am of anything hurting my children. I felt guilt at standing 2 feet away from my daughter experiencing a major trauma. I felt guilt at knowing my son was inches from it. I replayed the scene hundreds of times and cried myself to sleep. I tear up now just thinking about it. I felt stupid for letting us all be in one room knowing how dogs are. Every time I look at Addy's staples, I feel pain for her and for this happening. I feel guilt for not being able to be in the room while they were stapling her head. I felt sad at knowing our pet had no intention of hurting Addy and knowing that we can't let this happen again. I felt guilt at getting another dog because had we not had her, this probably would not have happened. I felt guilt at keeping her and finding Becker a new home.

Addy is an amazing child. She is resilient and forgiving. She has told us we are not finding Becker another home. I am so blessed to have her. I am so thankful that this accident was not worse. I'm thankful that her scars will not be visible. I'm thankful for hair. I'm thankful that they used staples and not stitches. I'm thankful that they didn't have to shave her head. I'm thankful for Dr. Lowry and his team of nurses who took such good care of my baby. I'm thankful for Levi and for him stepping up in a major way to hold his little princess while she endured pain. I'm thankful for the medicine that doesn't let Addy remember a lot of the trauma. I'm thankful for her forgiving spirit to a dog who didn't have any intention of hurting her. I'm thankful for neighbors who dropped everything for a 3 year old. I'm thankful for neighbors who took care of Keegan in a split second. I'm thankful for friends who brought her balloons, teddy bears, McDonalds happy meals, ice cream, who sent cards and called. I'm thankful for other moms who told me to let go of any guilt and blame, who let me cry, and just listened to me replay an awful story. I'm thankful for grandparents who called over and over to check on their granddaughter and who reminded me that their "heart" was laying on that table in the Emergency Room. I'm most thankful for a God who knows this kind of pain and hurt and understands. I'm thankful for His hand over Addy who protected her and Keegan from something that could have been much worse.

I don't understand the pain and torment God must have felt as He watched His Son be murdered. When I had Addy, I remember such an overwhelming feeling of closeness to God. I felt like I had some glimpse of how much He loved me because of how much love I had for Addy. There has never been a stronger feeling in my soul than my love for her and for Keegan. I remember thinking about how much God loves me if I am capable of loving her so much. I had that realization again this week but in a much different way. I thought of how much pain God felt. How it must have ripped His very heart out to watch His son be tortured and tormented.

I also thought about moms who have lost their children or who have watched their children suffer disease and illness and my heart broke. If I felt so deeply about my daughter's head being wounded, how much do those moms suffer and hurt. I can't imagine how they function.

I want to be compassionate and loving. I want to enjoy every day with my kids. I want to be patient and kind. I want to be thankful for every second I have with them.

I've been weird about blogging this week. I didn't want to think about what happened Sunday or maybe I was in denial because that's all I've been thinking about. Please continue to pray for us. We go back to the doctor on Monday to get Addy's staples out. We were talking about it in the car this morning and she told me that they're going to put her Dora hair back in. She thinks she lost her Dora hair. I reassured her that she did not lose her Dora hair. She's so funny!! I'm thankful for her sense of humor too :)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Sweetie, you are a wonderful mom - and a wonderful person. Your children are blessed to have you in their lives. Those moms were right - you can't blame yourself, but it's ok to cry - and cry as long as you need to.