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Thursday, October 28, 2010

Diarrhea of the Brain

Wow....got your attention.  I'm sitting here tonight listening to the song set for Sunday.  We are doing a baptism. It's a first for us.  My kids walked into the church the other day and ran out and said, "Mommy, there's a bathtub in the church."  I am really excited about this step for a couple of our friends.

I'm using Levi's laptop and he had the set list playing so when I turned it on it just automatically started.  I also opened my email to catch up.  I've been running like a chicken with her head cut off this week.  I fly out tomorrow and I'm not packed.  I need to finish and send lesson plans for the next couple of weeks and do report cards.  It feels like a lot.

I sat down feeling discouraged, feeling like I always have to be up, feeling like I have to hold it together for me and for my family.  I'm feeling like life's not fair and that people are not true to their word.  I'm feeling helpless and clueless to help others that are close to me.  I feel unsteady.  I feel like I'm suffocating and that I can't keep up emotionally, mentally, or physically.

And then my Grandma died.

And then I feel the brevity of life.  I feel sad for my mom that she has to say goodbye to her mom. I dread that moment in my life. I'm feeling the sting of death and the grief and mourning that goes along with that.  I feel scared of cancer.  It sucks that my great grandmother, grandfather, and grandmother have all died from it.  It will be weird not to see my Grandma.  It's just weird.

That's what I'm feeling right now.  So I sit down and start opening emails.  I get one from Pam:)  She is telling me that our church friends are bringing food for Levi and the kids while I'm gone.  I get another from a friend in our small group offering to bring dinner.  I get another from a friend who offers to watch our kids while I'm gone. I think about the texts and phone calls and emails and cards I've gotten this week letting me know that I'm loved and being prayed for.  I'm listening to this song....and the tears flow. (it's a long song).  But seriously, every line hit a nerve for me.  So this moment of self pity turned into a moment of self reflection and gratitude in the midst of a crappy point in life.  This song is by Mike Crawford.  Google it to listen to the song, it is powerful!!  I realized that His words are the words that I build my life upon and I do want them to be mine.
Words To Build A Life On
Lyrics by Mike Crawford
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words
how can they be mine
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words
I want them to be mine

Blessed are the poor
Blessed are the weak
Blessed are the ones
Who can barely speak
Blessed in your hurt
Blessed in your pain
Blessed when your teardrops
Are falling down like rain
Blessed when you’re broken
Blessed when you’re blind
Blessed when you’re fragile
When you have lost your mind
Blessed when you’re desperate
Blessed when you’re scared
Blessed when you’re lonely
Blessed when you’ve failed
Blessed when you’re beat up
Blessed when you’re bruised
Blessed when you’re tore down
Blessed when you’re used

These are words to build a life on
These are Your words
how can they be mine
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words
I want them to be mine

Blessed when you’re heartbroke
Blessed when you’re fired
Blessed when you’re choked up
Blessed when you’re tired
Blessed when the plans
That you so carefully laid
End up in the junkyard
With all the trash you made
Blessed when you feel like
Giving up the ghost
Blessed when your loved ones
Are the ones who hurt you most
Blessed when you lose your
Own identity
Then blessed when you find it
And it has been redeemed
Blessed when you see what
Your friends can never be
Blessed with your eyes closed
Then blessed you see Me

These are words to build a life on
These are Your words
how can they be mine
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words
I want them to be mine

Blessed when you’re hungry
Blessed when you thirst
Cause that’s when you will eat of
The bread that matters most
Blessed when you’re put down
Because of me you’re dissed
Because of me you’re kicked out
They take you off their list
You know you’re on the mark
You know you’ve got it right
You are to be my salt
You are to be my light
So bring out all the flavor
In the feast of this My world
And light up all the colors
Let the banner be unfurled
Shout it from the rooftops
Let the trumpets ring
Sing your freaking lungs out
Jesus Christ is King!
Jesus is my Savior
Jesus is divine
Jesus is my answer
Jesus is my life

These are words to build a life on
These are Your words
how can they be mine
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words
I want them to be mine

Give us ears that we may hear them
voice that we may sing them
life that we may live them
hope that we may give them
hearts that we can feel them
eyes that we can see them
thoughts that we may think them
tongues that we may speak Your words

2 comments:

April said...

Love you, pumpkin

Odie Langley said...

I think often about how special people like you and your family are. We go through weeks when it seems everything goes wrong and the only one we are in communication with is the evil one and want to shut down, maybe sleep in instead of going to church. We can do that and not think much of it but praise God their are families like yours that keep right on ministering and lifting us up even though you may be hurting, troubled or whatever. Your's is the family I ask God to pour out a special blessing on to give you peace, comfort, compassion and fill you with His love. Enjoy your visit with your mom knowing God has your back while you are gone.
Odie