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Sunday, November 2, 2014


I probably should have called my blog Rants and Raves...maybe just Rants. I realize that I only like to blog when I'm upset about something or sad or bothered....well sometimes I blog happy things. I realize that very few people read my blog.  I feel like it's more of a diary-ish thing that helps me get things off my chest. So here goes.... Sundays are the hardest days of the week. Not all Sundays, they've definitely gotten easier.  Today was a hard one.  It happened to be that I've talked with more of my friends from our previous life today than normal.  And they're hurting.  I hate that. I wish I were there to give them a hug and share a cup of coffee with them. I feel responsible for them in a lot of ways.  That's a the control freak in me and I'm not in denial about that;)

I hate that in the church and in social media we have to act like we have it all together.  We only post the sweet, romantic things that our spouses do. We share and comment about our children like they can do no wrong and like they should be most important to everyone else.  Pastors are super guilty of acting like their relationships are great and their children are perfect. I hate that. I mean I abhor it.  I'm sorry if I ever portrayed our household that way.  We are not, our marriage is not perfect, our kids are not perfect.  My husband and my kids do a lot that make me want to pull my hair out (and vice versa).  I wish we could all just live in a vulnerable manner.  I wish we could go outside without our makeup on and be okay with not being okay.  I wish we could say, "My kid is driving me crazy. I don't know how to stop this or that."  I'm guilty of it myself.  There are lots of people that I can be very vulnerable with and show my true colors and my faults.  And then, there are those people who seem fake to me and try to portray perfection....and my radar goes off and I keep them at arms length because I don't trust their authenticity.  As a pastor's wife, there were lots that I loved and I think that was because how different our people were.  The majority of them lived very authentically with us and I loved that. I loved listening and talking and sharing life with them.  I didn't mind being "bothered" on a Sunday afternoon or any other night of the week to meet up at Starbucks to talk. I felt like it was such a mutual help.  I miss that.

I have to keep reminding myself that the first two or so years in Texas were so hard.  We felt so alone.  We were broke as a joke.  We had to put ourselves out there repeatedly to make friends and relationships.  We did it because we had to have people...not members of our church but people.  We needed friends.  I'm trying to remember that now.  We will establish a community here.  We will have friends to walk through life with.  It'll happen.

And in the meantime, I'm loving my friendship with my mom and sister.  I love sitting on my mom's front porch after school with a glass of iced tea talking about my day while the kids play outside.  I love that I can call her and we can go shopping or share dinner. My kids can take horseback riding lessons from my dad.  They jump on the tractor or in the hay wagon to help feed with Coach. Coach and Nana are at their school performances and soccer games. That was what was so hard about being so far away.  I'm savoring every second of that. See...there was a little happy.

1 comment:

Am+a said...

I'm so glad you have your mom & sister nearby again. I'm glad that you blog and that I have the privilege of following you & reading your posts.

You most certainly do NOT have to act like you have it all together. You can be authentic. You can be real. You can let it all hang out with your Christian brothers & sisters. You can let the unbelievers around you know that you can't hold it all together by yourself; you SO need the Holy Spirit to help you get through each day, sometimes each moment! I pray that you will find a community of believers there in Central Florida who share this view, and who will come alongside you to help and to be helped. May God also give you something unexpected to "rave" about. He is able!!!!